Why Regulation Starts With You: The Parent Nervous System
It’s hard to stay calm when your child is falling apart. And yet, that’s exactly when they need us most. If you’ve ever felt swept up in your toddler’s meltdown or your baby’s nonstop crying, you’re not alone—and you’re not doing anything wrong. You’re just a human raising a tiny human who feels everything at full volume.
The truth is: babies and young children can’t regulate themselves yet. Their brains are still under construction when it comes to things like impulse control, self-soothing, and emotional awareness. Until those skills develop, they borrow yours. That’s co-regulation.
Here’s the fascinating part: your child’s nervous system is tuned into yours, constantly. Thanks to something called neuroception, even infants can pick up on whether you're grounded or totally spiraling. It’s not about what you say—it’s about the energy you're radiating while you whisper (or let’s be real, grunt or hiss), "Everything is fine!"
When your own nervous system is stuck in fight, flight, or freeze, it’s nearly impossible to offer calm. That’s why parenting can feel so draining: you’re asked to be the lighthouse in the storm... while also weathering your own hurricane.
The good news? You don’t need to be calm all the time. What really matters is your ability to notice when you’re activated and gently bring yourself back. That return is what teaches your child the rhythm of regulation.
So how do we do that? Yes, deep breaths help. But let’s be honest: sometimes they do absolutely nothing and are useless, especially when your toddler just chucked the remote at your infant’s head.
Here are some additional somatic tools that might give your system the reset it actually needs:
Orient to your space: Look around and name five things you see. It helps your brain realize, "Oh, we’re not being chased. We’re just parenting."
Ground through your feet: Press into the floor, feel your toes, remind your body it has support.
Make sound: Humming, sighing, or even softly growling (yes, really) can stimulate your vagus nerve. (*Fun Fact! Taking and icepack and putting in the middle of your chest also helps to stimulate your nervous system to calm down!)
Hand over heart: A simple gesture that tells your body, "Hey, we’re safe. We’ve got this."
Shake it out: Channel your inner toddler and wiggle, dance, or literally shake your arms and legs. It releases built-up tension—and makes for a good laugh.
These aren’t quick fixes, but they can offer your body—and your child’s—a way back to safety.
And if nothing works? If you lose your cool and say something you regret, or lock yourself in the bathroom for a cry? That’s okay too. You can repair. You can reconnect. You can apologize, snuggle, or start again tomorrow. (And yes, cursing in your bathroom or car totally counts as a coping skill.)
You don’t need to be perfect. You just need to be a little more regulated than your child, a little more often. That’s more than enough.